Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn