“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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he chose this
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️