No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Breaking news:
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.