I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.