date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
How software testing works
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”