[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
this is what they would have looked like, though
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Barbie gone wild
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.