Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.