Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
That 👊
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.