The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks