Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I think we should hear other voices.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!