Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If I ignore life will it go away?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.