Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
quarantine day 3
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.