How dramatic are you?
You Might Also Like
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Pikachu found the lost joint