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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
How dude HOW?!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius