“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun