me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
So, can we agree on 4 or
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Pass gas, not judgment.