My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
And now we wait
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
How I’d get arrested…