Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off