Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something