For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.