Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.