6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
You Might Also Like
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here