Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago