[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You Might Also Like
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
🤭😂
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My safe word is Worcestershire
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.