Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
2023 was just a warmup
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.