My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.