I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Going into Monday like
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long