Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.