Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.