PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”