[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You Might Also Like
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
May have had one breakfast too many
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.