[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
“I wouldn’t.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.