I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Leaving the Barbers like
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.