Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
When can I start eating bats again.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Fight
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.