Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
They must have gotten it to go.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face