[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
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Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.