The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.