Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
🤣🤣🤣
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.