If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Some people were born into their job.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
look at me when i’m typing to you
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be