I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit