I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched