someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted