In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”