Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Waiting for the Charmin
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
relationship goals
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.