I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.