Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”