Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
You Might Also Like
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.