put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
This can never not be funny 😭😭
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.