My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Breaking news:
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Last-minute gift idea!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour