I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“our sushi is very fresh”